Relational dialectics

Relational dialectics is an interpersonal communication theory about close personal ties and relationships that highlights the tensions, struggles and interplay between contrary tendencies.^[1] The theory, proposed respectively by Leslie Baxter^[2] and Barbara Montgomery^[3] in 1988, defines communication patterns between relationship partners as the result of endemic dialectical tensions. Dialectics are described as the tensions an individual feels when experiencing paradoxical desires that we need and/ or want. The theory contains four assumptions, one of them being that relationships are not one dimensional, rather, they consist of highs and lows, without moving in only one direction.^[4] The second assumption claims that change is a key element in relational life, in other words, as our lives change, our relationships change with it. Third, is the assumption that, “contradictions or tensions between opposites never go away and never cease to provide tension,” which means, we will always experience the feelings of pressure that come with our contradictory desires. The fourth assumption is that communication is essential when it comes to working through these opposing feelings. Relationships are made in dialogue and they can be complicated and dialogue with similarities and differences are necessary. Relational communication theories allow for opposing views or forces to come together in a reasonable way.^[5] When making decisions, desires and viewpoints that often contradict one another are mentioned and lead to dialectical tensions.^[6] Leslie A. Baxter and Barbara M. Montgomery exemplify these contradictory statements that arise from individuals experience dialectal tensions using common proverbs such as "opposites attract", but "birds of a feather flock together"; as well as, "two's company; three's a crowd" but "the more the merrier".^[7] This does not mean these opposing tensions are fundamentally troublesome for the relationship; on the contrary, they simply bring forward a discussion of the connection between two parties.^[8]

The relational dialectic is an elaboration on Mikhail Bakhtin's idea that life is an open monologue and humans experience collisions between opposing desires and needs within relational communications.^[9] Baxter includes a list of dialectical tensions that reminds us that relationships are constantly changing, and that successful and satisfying relationships require constant attention. Although Baxter's description of relational dialectics is thorough, it is not exact or all-inclusive since we all experience different tensions in different ways.